Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
