I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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