i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
