"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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