oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
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