I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize