I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize