My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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