He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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