well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
