don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
