look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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