my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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