a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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