my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
