If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
