Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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