don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
