I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
