if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize