my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
