Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How naked do you want me to be?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
