Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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