The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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