Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
