So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize