oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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