she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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