would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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