I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
nutella sex= disaster
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
