got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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