I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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