You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
