i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
