pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We need to get me chipped asap
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
