If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
