I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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