The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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