saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
