you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
