After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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