We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize