so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
