They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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