i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
