What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
