may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
