I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
