apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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