It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
