so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
