Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
