WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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