True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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