Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
