It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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