Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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