Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
