I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
