She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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