Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
