I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
