new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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