i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
