Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
