my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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