There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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