I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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