Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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