his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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