I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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