too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
