"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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