GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
