I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
