omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
