take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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