I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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